Home
by emilialeslies
Summary: home is wherever I'm with you (set after 4x05)


**A/N: really hope you enjoy this! i thought it'd be interesting to write something from Maura's POV so here we go... and of course, I don't own any of the characters or rights to the show, or else we'd all know who Maura and Jane would end up with**

Hope left a little while after we had talked, saying that she needed to get back to see Cailin. I understood, and felt something not dissimilar to relief creeping up inside me. I was tired; the trial was definitely having an effect on my body, especially as I could rarely sleep at night from thinking about my biological father's impending, surely inevitable, imprisonment. It sent shivers up my back when I thought about Paddy Doyle in that way.

I said goodbye to Hope, closing the door, ready to go to bed, to sleep. I had forgotten Jane was still here. Of course she was; she never left until I was okay. She made it her duty to protect me and that made me love her above all other things. However, I definitely felt embarrassed after what had happened today. I had let my guard down and shown Jane my weak side, how badly I cope in these situations. It would have been worse if Jane hadn't been with me.

I felt incredibly lucky to have her as a friend. She protected me, she made me feel safe and she made me feel like I had a family. And that was something I could never repay, no matter how hard I tried. I didn't often think about where I had come from before Jane had come into my life; I didn't much care, because it had been a lot worse. It was the kindest act of humanity for Jane to make me feel cared for. But, sometimes, I would catch myself and remember that really, I was lucky. Jane could drop everything in an instant for Casey, and I would be left alone again. Angela, Frankie and Tommy were all lovely people, but it was Jane that I loved more than anything in the world. It scared me, having those emotions inside me when I have never been attached to anyone in my life, not really. It took effort to push those worries to the back of my mind when I was around Jane. I desperately just wanted to take her shoulders and tell her. _I'm scared of losing you, Jane. I'm scared of who I'll be without you. I love you. _But I could never do it. The knock-on effects of that would be too catastrophic.

It was moments like this, where Jane was standing in my house, putting me before all other things that made all those fears disappear. She wouldn't leave me if the sky was falling down. Not that it would happen; it's a scientific impossibility, just as much as my feelings for Jane ever being reciprocated by her. I push all these thoughts aside as I watch Jane, her hands clasped in front of her, a sad, solemn smile on her face.

"You don't have to stay, Jane," I say, walking over to clear away the cups and kettle.

"But I want to, Maur. I want to make sure you're okay." More than anything I want Jane to stay. I want her to hold me and tell me that he will go away forever, and that I'll be able to move on and not wake up in the middle of the night thinking about him. I want her to kiss my head again and then sleep with me in my bed, just holding me and being there when I wake up. I wouldn't even care if it wasn't romantic. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be anyway, but I'd hate to leap to conclusions.

I stop putting the cups in the sink, my hands gripping the edge of the counter. All I can think about is the trial. I'm torturing myself, I know I am but I can't help it. I don't feel safe anymore even with Jane here and it hurts because that's the only time I ever truly feel like no harm can come to me. I jump when I feel her hand on my arm.

"It's okay to talk, Maura. I'm right here for you." Jane's voice is almost pitiful.

"I don't want to talk." My tone rarely finds that level of harshness, and I immediately feel awful as Jane pulls away.

"Okay, okay. Just… call me if you need anything," Jane mumbles, heading over to the guest room. Even if I said I didn't want to talk, there was no way I was persuading her to leave. Not that I wanted her to go, but she was too stubborn anyway. I suppose determined would be a better word, because seconds later she turned on her heel, chewing at her bottom lip, rubbing her fist into her palm, a common sign that she had something on her mind.

"Please say something to make me stay," Jane says, clearly not sure if she should stay or go. _She's looking for an excuse to be with you, give her one._ I sigh, pinching the bridge of my nose. "I don't like leaving knowing that you're upset, Maur. You know that I care about you too much to leave you."

And there it is. The one sentence that makes me forget about everything because Jane doesn't want to leave me here alone. She wants to be my protector. And I want that too. I even manage a small smile.

"Then I don't think I need to give you a reason," I say, walking over to the couch, sitting down and staring at my lap. I still can't help but feel low. All these feelings I had for Jane kept coming crawling back into my head and I just couldn't get rid of them, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself it would never happen. But I saw the way Jane looked at me sometimes, and it made it very hard to convince myself of that fact. _I love you, Jane. _My whole body was screaming at me to say that; if cells could talk anyway. I want to thank her for everything she's done for me, but I don't even know where to begin, so I just say those two words. "Thank you."

_Thank you for making me feel part of a family. Thank you for giving me hope. Thank you for protecting me, for giving me a purpose, for giving me someone to love. Thank you for answering your phone at 1am and thank you for coming over and making me coffee. No one else does that, no one but you Jane. And I know that you don't do it for anyone else, not even Casey. I see what you do for me and it makes my heart ache because I know deep down there is something here, we're just too afraid to admit it. You drop everything for me, time and time again, and even if Casey is here, you still run to my aid. I see you selflessly give yourself up for other people, and become blinded and not see what you do to help others in need. I wish you knew what joy you brought to people, Jane, to me especially because I have never felt more at home than when you're with me, when you sleep next to me to keep me safe. I wish you knew how amazing you are, and how much you've helped. I wish I could help you realise that. And I wish you would show me that you love me too, because I know you do. Thank you, Jane. _

"Anytime, Maura, you know that," Jane smiles, seating herself next to me on the couch, blissfully unaware of the interior monologue I had going on inside my head. "Now, come on, let's watch a movie or something. We don't have to talk."

I thank her again. I can never thank her enough for what she's given me. I notice how Jane is sat, one arm hooked over the back of the couch behind me. It's almost an invitation, but one I'm too scared to accept. That is, until Jane pulls a blanket over our legs and pulls me close to her. I never used to think much of it when we did this, but now it set so many things off inside my head, that my brain could barely keep up. Why would Jane do this? Because she cares.

I tuck my legs under me, resting my head on Jane's shoulder, just so I can feel her close to me. If this was all we could ever have, I would make the most of it because the thought of life without these little moments was almost too much to bear. What confused me even more was the fact that she had Casey; she didn't need this with me because she already had it. But no matter how hard I try, I can never see the love in their relationship. Whether I'm blinded by jealousy, or love, I still don't know how Jane can stick with him. Maybe it's guilt. Maybe it's love. But would Jane do this with Casey? Protect him, care for him, make him feel like family? They're questions I don't want to answer, so I just enjoy the feeling of having her arm around my shoulder.

I can feel Jane watching me, and not the film that I'm trying to concentrate on. But with her brown eyes boring holes into me, it's hard to concentrate on _anything. _I want to kiss her, I realise as I look up and smile. She holds my gaze for a second too long. It's long enough though for me to realise something; Jane wants to be here. And Jane loves me.

We go back to watching the film, but it's not as interesting as the woman sat next to me, holding me close. It's everything I want. Everything I need. "Jane…" I can't believe I'm doing this. But I've waited long enough. Too long.

"Mm?"

"Look at me." Jane turns her head, her eyebrows narrowed, looking at me with some confusion. It's an expression I've gotten used to over the years. _I'm sorry for what I'm about to do. I'm sorry for what this will mean for us. But I have to, just once if never again. I have to. Forgive me. _And then I kiss her.

And it feels wonderful.

I hear the sound of surprise when our lips press together. But she doesn't pull away. She doesn't stop and say 'Maura, no, I have Casey'. She doesn't push me back and tell me I'm out of my mind and that I'm naïve and have ruined everything. Maybe it's too early to think like that. If I have ruined everything, I'll go on ruining it until I have to stop. So I keep kissing her. I keep her lips against mine. The tension softens. She's not kissing me back, but she isn't stopping me either. It almost feels perfect. _She knows. She understands. _She doesn't stop me and I don't know what that means, but it has to be good. She's not thinking about Casey, or our friendship, she's thinking about me. And I know that because she's kissing me back. Her hands relax on my shoulders and her lips press softly back against mine. She wants me. She wants to kiss me. She feels the same way.

I've tried so hard to hide how I feel. I've kept it a secret for so long, its relief that makes tears leak out of my eyes. And then it's over. Because Jane's stopped. And her forehead is resting against mine. I can barely see through blurry eyes, but she's looking down, almost in resignation. She knows what she has done, and what I have done to cause her to kiss someone else that isn't her boyfriend. She knows what I've ruined. But it's still relief that makes me cry because now she knows. Now we can work it out. And it's scary because I don't know what that means, but it might be the worst thing I would ever experience.

"I'm scared, Jane." I let the words slip out as fast as my tears fall. Her head presses harder against mine.

"It's okay to be scared," she replies. I can almost see her brain working, processing what just happened and what she should do next. I can tell it's painful for her to think about and now I just want to run away. Until she speaks again. "It's okay because I'm here. And I want you to feel safe. No matter what that takes." Her tone is unusually soft, but it's all I've ever wanted to hear.

I open my mouth to say something else and then close it again. "What is it, Maura?" Jane asks, her tone still soft, but with a sense of urgency. I shake my head. _I don't think I want to know the answer. _"Think of the hives, Maur."

I barely let out a laugh even though the words are just the sort of thing I want to hear. "What about Casey?" the words slip from my mouth before my brain has a chance to catch up with what I'm saying.

"Casey doesn't matter. Not anymore. I wanted to try and be happy without you. He never really did, not as much as you. No one matters to me more than you." And we're back, kissing again, except this time Jane starts it. Her hands are on my back, holding me close and she sets off fireworks inside my stomach and makes me feel the safest I've ever felt. I don't even know where this is heading and it's safe to say I've never felt more scared or happier in my entire life.

"Jane…" I whisper against her lips, making her stop. I'm almost angry at myself for interrupting us. "You don't have to do this."

"I want to do this. Maura, I've waited for this for so long, so damn long I never thought it was gonna happen. So please, let me make you feel safe. I don't care about anyone more than I care about you. Everything we've said and done has been leading up to this moment and I want you, Maur, please understand that I want you, and have always wanted you more than anything on this damned planet."

Her words stay with me throughout the next half an hour. I wish it had been longer; once we'd started, I never wanted it to end. It felt perfect, I felt complete and whole and I never wanted her to leave my side. We weren't slow, but we didn't rush either; we had said what we had both wanted to hear for so long and now the need and the want was seeping through and we both just wanted to _feel_ loved.

Everything has been leading up to me lying here on my back, my breathing heavier that it has ever been with Jane Rizzoli next to me, looking almost _smug. _I've wanted her, needed her for years and to finally have had it makes me feel truly happy. And truly safe.

She's given everything up for me. Casey, the barriers to her heart, her soul, her worries about what her family would and will say. I can't help but smile. It spread over my face and reaches Jane who grins back at me. And then I laugh because it's so unbelievable, phenomenal that we're here and this is actually happening. We both wanted this for long, and we put it off for so long, hid behind so many barriers. Jane hid behind Casey, I hid behind my job. We hid from ourselves. And now there was no more hiding, there was just us.

I shiver slightly in the cool air of the Boston winter that's creeping through my slightly open bedroom window. I've never felt better about myself than in this moment. I ache all over, my throat feels hoarse but I don't care because Jane's here, my best friend, the woman I love is here with me and has caused this. I never want anyone else to make me feel that way again, apart from her.

I've turned slightly on my side and I feel Jane shift next to me, and then her arm wrapping around my waist and holding me close to her. I close my eyes and take it all in because I'm scared that if I fall asleep, I'll wake up and it will have all have been a dream. I feel her body pressed against mine, and the heat that spread through me like fire. I cover her hand with mine and we just lie there as Jane pulls the duvet cover over us.

I shiver again as she kisses my back. "You're beautiful, Maura," she whispers against my skin. I almost cry. It's the nicest thing anyone could ever say to me, and it's Jane that's said it. And she means it because she loves me and because she wants me. "And I'm sorry for not telling you sooner."

"Never apologise for that, Jane. I'm sorry for not telling _you_ everything sooner. I should have done because I wouldn't have ruined things for you and Casey," I mumble, guilt threatening to creep up inside me.

I hear a shift in the bed again, and Jane sits on her elbow. I can tell she's looking at me, so I turn my head and meet her steely stare. "Maura, please listen to me when I say that I want this. Casey was a distraction. If I knew I could never have you, I had to find someone that would understand me even half as well as you do. I've always wanted you, and I want to protect you. Let me."

I can't stop staring at her as she says this. I believe her, I do, but it's the shock that she's saying these things in that unusual soft and loving tone that silences me. "Thank you," I whisper, for what must be the hundredth time, give or take. "Thank you for everything you do, Jane. Thank you for choosing me."

"You don't have to thank me, Maur. I'd chosen you a long time ago." And Jane kisses me again and I try and put all my love into that kiss so she can understand just part of what I'm feeling. Her bare legs tangle with mine as she surprisingly delicately rolls herself on top of me, just so she's there, staring down at me, propped up on her elbow. Our noses press together when she pulls away from the kiss, beaming down at me. I've always loved her smile. I love everything about her.

She presses one more kiss to my lips, which instantly ache for more as she lies back down next to me, staring up at the ceiling. I roll on my side instinctively and place a hand on her perfectly toned stomach, just so I can feel she's here with me. The amount of times we've shared a bed it seems silly that we're only doing this _now_; admitting our emotions and doing what we've always wanted to do.

"Jane…"

"You talk too much, Maur, go to sleep," Jane mutters, amusement clear in her tone.

"Please let me say this." I beg. I have to say it. I can't sleep if I don't. She has to hear me say it, even if she knows already. There's no reply. "I love you."

Jane's eyes open and she turns to stare at me. I don't know what her expression says, but it's good. It's brilliant. "I know," she replies and that's all I need to hear. I don't need her to say 'I love you, too' because from those two words I know she does. She knows I've loved her for longer than I dare think about, she's stayed with me and not run away while she's known. She loves me too because no one else would stay with me if they knew what went on in my head. Jane understands me. She's my protector, she's all I need.

And then she kisses my forehead again and I know she'll always be here by my side, in my bed, in my life. I close my eyes; I know this isn't a dream. It's paradise. Its home.

**A/N: thanks for reading! reviews are always much appreciated!**


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